Sweetness

NOTE: This post was originally made on 10/05/2014.

The Random:
Feeling disconnected again.

Trying to recapture earlier. The Rothko paintings in the rain. The exhilaration of such sweetness running down my face and the cold in my veins.

Too much time indoors?

There is no lack of going outside. No lack of people. Just that he is not there.

Maybe the real problem is... I don't know who he is anymore.

The normal:
I find myself coming up on midterms week. I just keep taking one day at a time and finding it amazing that lo and behold, time passes and I am passing classes. My favorite is my art history one, I am thoroughly enjoying going through 19th century art in Western Europe. The instructor connects the pieces to later on modern pieces, I love it.

So, to deal with the stress in a positive way (not in the I-broke-down-crying-for-three-days-almost-straight-way like a weekend before), I decided to do "Fresh Baked Cookie Friday" which is honestly going to turn into "Fresh Baked Friday" because I want to do a cheesecake or cobbler next.

Yes, the slight reference to someone getting high is not lost on me and not altogether untrue, because there is something about baking that is just relaxing to me.

Which I guess is funny, because other people find it stressful when things don't turn out correctly. Which totally happened with the cookies I was making. These coconut caramel things. The dough did not mix correctly (my butter was not soft enough, I keep my house too cold!), so some of the cookies just flattened. Those were the first to be eaten.

Ze finished product.

Then the caramel. Oh caramel. I have not made you in a long time and I forgot completely how to. So, it was the fifth try that was the charm.

It was my finding of someone explaining why you want a corn syrup or honey added to the sugar. While sugar molecules are very jagged (they love to catch onto things and hence why they crystalize so much), they change as you heat them. So- add a sugar that has molecules that does not change and voile! Able to make the caramel stand. I did it with corn syrup, the next I will make with honey.

Yet, for me, that is half the fun. The figuring it out. Don't take anything out of my hands. Give sound advice if you really have it, but if not, don't tell me to do it some other way than how I am trying. Don't tell me to just do it "this way, its easier". I was not looking for that way. I was looking on how to do it the way that I know I had done it in the past and that others have done it.

I have dreams of my house being full of people. People with varying ideas, stations and creativity. That they come together and share.

Maybe over a plate of cookies.

I am just not sure how to get there. Or that I really want to. I am getting used to being alone.

Or am I just resigned to it?

I don't want to bother people. That is my biggest fear. I am not sure exactly why.

So, trying to move past that, I invited some people out again for a walk. Found myself driving C and I exploring a place I had never been that was super close to me. It was gorgeous. We decided to walk up a random person's driveway, where there was random beauty.

The Good: I have practically a 100% in every class
The Ugly Truth: Czarina needs to go to the vet and I don't have any money to take her.

The return of star shine

What to call this first post after two years of not posting.

Resurrection. Breathing in New Life. Resuscitation.

The honest answer is,  I just want a place to put these adventures at. Before, this blog was to catalog items to help me feel at peace with a time of my life that was extraordinarily chaotic.

The chaos is gone.

I find my soul overflowing with all those bohemian ideals- truth, beauty and most of all, love.

So what does one do when there is so much fulfillment to be had?

Go back to school of course!

To finish a degree that has thwarted some employment gains by being that "pursued" and not completed hole on my resume.

I start tomorrow at Idaho State University. Chosen for its location,  program and the ability to transfer a lot of credits from my previous school, the University of Alaska.

I am very excited to go. I love learning I love going to school. I am very curious to see how this experience goes. It's been since 2003, since the last time I went to school.

So now this blog will become my adventures in this. My adventures in the art that I do. My attempts to get into galleries. My frustration and exhilaration with class, instructors and art in general. And my ever-present conundrum of finding the balance between what I love to do and the confidence to do it.

The Airbrushing of our Lives

I have found something within myself.

Wait, let me put that a different way.

An ideal in myself has shall we say, evolved? Grown? Broadened?

When I was younger, I was told how ugly I was. How no one would want me. To those of you that have heard me talk about this time in my life, you may be weary of its mention. It affected me to the point that I became obsessed with beauty and the idea of what it is that defines beauty.

I discovered my own beauty in my twenties. I cried after a Mary Kay party because for the first time, I was beautiful. Beautiful because I too, could have a face full of make up that enhanced these awesome features that I have and make them look- beautiful.

That is not what I want to talk about. Just giving a little backstory.

The idea of that beauty has evolved into a love of natural beauty. I have always loved and appreciated nature. Nature has cracks, fissures and rotting leaves. It has beauty even with those things that we would consider ugly.

I watched the movie Willow recently. In it, I found beauty in the characters for not only their actors, because the make up in the movie was simple. It was not flawless airbrushing that we have become accustomed to.

There were cracks.

There were fissures.

I am growing older, I now appreciate all the cracks and fissures I am gaining of my own. I look at older women and get excited at their unique faces, to see where mine could be.

I am enjoying the rotting leaves of nature.

I am finding that I am saddened by how airbrushed we would like ourselves to be. Only those without any pores in our skin or wrinkles around our eyes become important enough to deem beautiful. You can even get a program that has learned what beauty is supposed to be and puts in your picture!

Are the pictures after they've been retouched beautiful? Yes. Are they beautiful before? YES!

Let us maybe take a look at ourselves and our lives. Are there blemishes? Spots? Wrinkles? Yes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for the grotesque to become the standard bearer for beauty. I am asking that if you made choices, then stand by them. Accept yourself at every awkward, bizarre and funky moment and realize- you really aren't as bad as you think. You could use a little touch up, but you are beautiful.

I am asking that we find some balance, some moderation with it.

Go ahead and airbrush out a little bit, but don't take out everything that makes you unique and shows what your life has been like. I know I've found myself attracted to things that add to it.

World War I and Sunsets

I am still learning to find my balance in life. I do think this will be an eternal thing for me.

Wednesday found me at the Museum of Idaho. They were having a one day traveling exhibition stop by.

It brought tears to my eyes.

It is called "Honoring our History" and is completely about World War I. It took things down to basics as well as it could. The events leading up. Life during it. Life after.

I had a bit of a line to get in. The cold was too much for my husband who left to get a coat.

Once you got in though, it was warm and you couldn't stop reading and looking. Pictures adorned so many different descriptions. There was a section where you walked into a 'bunker' on the Western Front. I found out, I was just the right height that I would not get shot as I walked down it.

It was sobering.

In the end, what I really thought of was, lets please not repeat things. Let us learn from all nations and walks of life. Let us learn to remember that the other person across from us often has the same dreams, goals and fears. We just wear it all a little differently.

Respect.

Tolerate.

The end of the day, I decided to really try to capture a sunset better. I have many, many, many pictures of sunsets and sunrises and I thought, its time to improve an area! I found what I could about it and I know that for most anything, hands on is the best way to learn.

So, I chose my spot an hour before hand. Took my dog Toby on a nice walk. I chose an area in downtown Idaho Falls near the "Greenbelt". This area runs for quite awhile along the river and is right at the "falls".

This is what I feel like was my best capture at a quick glance. Though I may change my mind after I go through them more thoroughly.

I am excited to do more. Different seasons, different angles.

I will be a sunset catcher.

An ATC Card and Thoughts

I have been neglectful of anything really 'art' lately.

I find myself in a familiar place.

Afraid.

What exactly I fear, I'm not sure. Though it has a dose of "ohmygoodnesswhatifImessthisup" AND 'ohmygoodnesswhatifIDON"Tmessthisup".

It feels strange. I have a large piece started, at least largest I can quite get on paper. It daunted me for a long time. It stared at me with its blank whiteness and dared me to even try to convey what I wanted to convey on its smooth surface.

I took its challenge and started last weekend.

I haven't gotten very far. Its like there is an imp on the board telling me 'you won't get very far before you ruin this'.

Why is it so hard for me to let go and not worry? What is truly the worst thing that could happen?

I have been able to finish some little Artist Trading Cards. These, I seem to not worry about at all.


"Harvest Goddess Gusty"


"Fly Skull"

I love the My Little Pony inspired piece. I want to do more. The Fly Skull, not so much, but I was playing around with a paper sample.

I know I worry to put myself out there, in any form. What I really want to create and do.

I have put my heart and soul into many things, many times, only to have it torn apart.

That fear is stopping me.

I suppose, it didn't stop me from loving, should it really stop me from creating?

Completed Art- Pigeon Reminds- Love

I have a thing for animals.

All kinds of them. They often show up in my work. What I think of most is their meanings. Traditional meanings. My own meanings. What others may come up with.

I've been wanting to do a series of paintings just expressing those meanings. I started it a long while ago when I was with my husband and I did one for us.

The finished recent piece is thus-

"Pigeon Reminds us- Love"
Colored Pencil and Marker on Cotton. 11 x 14 inches.

I really do love this piece. It brought together materials that I am enjoying immensely and images that I enjoy. When I searched through all the meanings of pigeons, most knew of the Dove and its association with peace. A few though, spoke of love. Think of it as a carrier pigeon- it returns home. They have loving 'coo coo' sounds. They are abundant. There is no lack of love.

Next time you see one, mayhaps you will think of love, wherever or however you are.

Musical Wednesday- Nick Warren

I loooove my Sirius satellite radio. I can find something to fill my soul with every week.

I particularly enjoyed this piece this week. Its something to soothe my nerves and goes with the wind that flows through my car during the summer.

Substructure (Nick Warren)- "Firewire"

Enjoy.