A little thing has set up a chance for a day of frustrations.
So, I am going to try something a little new.
I found this as a prompting in a book on how to look back at a day, so I decided to use it today, for yesterday. Since I generally do better in the morning, I'll do it most likely as a looking back. Just thinking about the first part has me past the discouragement a bit this morning.
A beautiful lesson came by way of a friend of mine who has been doing healing work on herself for 10 years. We recently met up in Florida to work together and she shared an exercise with me. Yesterday was my first real attempt at it. I really wanted to clear myself of negativity before I started working on a drawing. The amount of time it takes to get into a headspace of clarity, where I can focus and enjoy the process, seems to take an hour or two.
This exercise was meant to clean out yourself, in a way, I think as I understand it, of the negative. It is called "Grounding" and I mean to look more about it, but for now, what I feel she told me, is what I am going with.
Take yourself and stand firmly. Envision your negativity, for me, it is a goopy, oily mass that drips and oozes out onto everything. Then you are to envision that at the center of the earth is this giant mass of light that everyone can access. My mass of light was so bright, vibrant, and constantly shifting and throwing out spurts of color. You are then supposed to envision yourself being tethered to the light somehow, and then you let the negative stuff flow down, then it flows back up to you, cleaned out by the light.
I struggled with it. I had problems envisioning the tethering or the connection. I had problems getting the negative down, but yet the light coming back up seemed to work well. I ended up having these because vines that just had the light absorb into myself. I got my negative goopiness down to a drip, where it had been a cascade of ooze.
I then moved on to draw. The drawing itself went really well. I am working on the images for a mural. It should be simple to get and do, but yet, I've been having trouble with it because I am SCARED that it won't be accepted.
Which is odd because really, rejection is a part of an artists' life. A large part.
That is part of the good I did yesterday. The other goodness, would be taking care of my daughter Autumn. We had a really hard first day back together, I think due to a molar breaking through, and yesterday, we enjoyed our time together.
Some good that happened to me was connecting with a possible artist in the Seattle area that may be a guest artist in my booth at the Tulip Festival coming up in April. :)
The day was a bit overshadowed by my guilt at not having a clean house. I am still carrying it forward to today. I feel an intense shame over not being to to "do it all". I feel like I spend too much time on something other than cleaning or don't keep consistent enough and that is a failing.
I'd rather just move on though. I do want to clean the kitchen today, but I also want to play Diablo III, finish that mural mock-up, and enjoy time with my beautiful family.
Every day is another chance to practice moving on from my shame.
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