Sweetness

NOTE: This post was originally made on 10/05/2014.

The Random:
Feeling disconnected again.

Trying to recapture earlier. The Rothko paintings in the rain. The exhilaration of such sweetness running down my face and the cold in my veins.

Too much time indoors?

There is no lack of going outside. No lack of people. Just that he is not there.

Maybe the real problem is... I don't know who he is anymore.

The normal:
I find myself coming up on midterms week. I just keep taking one day at a time and finding it amazing that lo and behold, time passes and I am passing classes. My favorite is my art history one, I am thoroughly enjoying going through 19th century art in Western Europe. The instructor connects the pieces to later on modern pieces, I love it.

So, to deal with the stress in a positive way (not in the I-broke-down-crying-for-three-days-almost-straight-way like a weekend before), I decided to do "Fresh Baked Cookie Friday" which is honestly going to turn into "Fresh Baked Friday" because I want to do a cheesecake or cobbler next.

Yes, the slight reference to someone getting high is not lost on me and not altogether untrue, because there is something about baking that is just relaxing to me.

Which I guess is funny, because other people find it stressful when things don't turn out correctly. Which totally happened with the cookies I was making. These coconut caramel things. The dough did not mix correctly (my butter was not soft enough, I keep my house too cold!), so some of the cookies just flattened. Those were the first to be eaten.

Ze finished product.

Then the caramel. Oh caramel. I have not made you in a long time and I forgot completely how to. So, it was the fifth try that was the charm.

It was my finding of someone explaining why you want a corn syrup or honey added to the sugar. While sugar molecules are very jagged (they love to catch onto things and hence why they crystalize so much), they change as you heat them. So- add a sugar that has molecules that does not change and voile! Able to make the caramel stand. I did it with corn syrup, the next I will make with honey.

Yet, for me, that is half the fun. The figuring it out. Don't take anything out of my hands. Give sound advice if you really have it, but if not, don't tell me to do it some other way than how I am trying. Don't tell me to just do it "this way, its easier". I was not looking for that way. I was looking on how to do it the way that I know I had done it in the past and that others have done it.

I have dreams of my house being full of people. People with varying ideas, stations and creativity. That they come together and share.

Maybe over a plate of cookies.

I am just not sure how to get there. Or that I really want to. I am getting used to being alone.

Or am I just resigned to it?

I don't want to bother people. That is my biggest fear. I am not sure exactly why.

So, trying to move past that, I invited some people out again for a walk. Found myself driving C and I exploring a place I had never been that was super close to me. It was gorgeous. We decided to walk up a random person's driveway, where there was random beauty.

The Good: I have practically a 100% in every class
The Ugly Truth: Czarina needs to go to the vet and I don't have any money to take her.